Things I can’t masterbate to

A couple…several…a few… 25..37.42….. fuck it whole heap of continaual scenarios, obstacles, time warp do daddies (call me daddy beb), situations, words, etc that make me really really contemplate rolling my fist up into a ball then dick punching myself to every syillable of this post until i leak faces out of my eye sockets and can taste the tears of baby jesus….

now this kind of post will be a regular like you know the regular cast of home and away and neighbours but not as regular and not every fucking night and not for 22 minutes 300 plus days of the year and definitely not as regular as charlie sheen snorts coke out off a hookers dirty date/as regular as charlie sheens says he’s sober i am as positive as him when i say that (ayyyyyy thank you) but regular in the sense of every now and then ya know like when you think about that person back in high school you should have been friends with but then forget about it cause wtf why would you imagine that.
as regular as say you rub one out or skrillex the bean to that dirty 70s porno cause you know its rough you know its raw but you just gotta do it whilst figuring out how that fuck they get their side burns where the piss from so on point!

1. people that sit at the lights when its green and do not move so you gotta beep them/people that take off slowly at the lights and the time they take to ge through four cars could have gone (fuck you mt gravatt intersection where that matilldas petrol station is y’all feel me on that?)
2. people that beep me at the lights when i take to long to take off when it turns green…don’t judge
3. ibis…fuck ibis i have vegan friends that agree
4. when you stub your toe from big to small why how when and where who fucking knows but its the deviant of satans love stick/blame the jews
5. when i order a steak rare and it comes  anything but rare… i don’t complain cause I’ve seen the movie WAITING #batwing #thebrain #fruitbowl
6. headphones getting tangled up after you rolled/wound them up
7. when you are having an awesome sleep i.e having a wet dream at 24 and you wake up thinking you are late for work but in fact you are not working so you masterbate like the filthy creep you are and fall back asleep
8. uneven tightness in your shoes
9. when you are ordering food and the people in front of you that have been still waiting while others get served approach the nice lady/man/gender unidentifiable and then either open the menu or look up at the specials board and then can’t decide – mother of all dick touchers what were you doing solving the problem of quantam physics while learning fucking latin how do you know know you had at least five to ten minutes eat a dick you selfish twat
10. eminem
11. people that sit in the right hand lane doing 90 when the speed limit is a dollar/dollar ten
12. people that sit in the left hand lane doing 90 when the speed limit is a dollar/dollar ten you step it out to over take and then they speed up and you wish that the would have been swallowed and not conceived
13. fruit/veg that isn’t ripe/goes to ripe to quick and you miss that window
14. when you have been singing a song for years and then read the lyrics and realise you’ve been singing it wrong you you feel devoid, raped and pillaged of any and all emotion like you have just dropped your first born child and kicked it ‘accidentally’ because it wouldnt stop crying…?
15. when someone cuts infront of you i.e driving, waiting in line for anything and you swear you will knuckle fuck their fart box if it wasn’t the 21st century
16. when someone asked a blatant dick punch of a question which you honestly can not answer because why the fuck would you ask something like that for instance ‘john why is it not ok for me to get my dicky sticky in my ‘insert family member’’ or like at training when it is burps on the minute every minute through out the prescribed wod (for those who haven’t joined jimmy jones and drank the punch its crossfit speak for workout of the day ) and then asks ‘so every minute  have to do three burpee’ no fuck face every minute you should head butt a nail…. it makes you ask if some people dodged a coat hanger
17. coke
18. pepsi (unless pepsi max )
19. saxbys ginger beer you dirty bottled brisbane river puss
20. when you walk or go somewhere to do something and then you forget what it was so you masterbate instead until you remember but you don’t and you have gone over your internet cap and your sitting in the food court with no one around you for 15 meters and cops have tazers pointed on you but pain and adrenaline actually get you hot and flustered so its a win win really and the special sauce at the local take way/milk bar gets restocked compliments of yours truly
21. when fuel  prices fluctuate more specifically diesel prices for me personally
22. cruel people that go out of their way to be cruel whether they know it or not, its basic human instinct to know when you are being a) a fuck wit B) a cunt C) rude and arrogant D) all of the above plus every other negative annotation (sounds smart looks smart doesn’t work in this contaxt but hey ENGLISH BITCH XD)
23. when people are late
24. when you yourself are late


25. when i myself hate being late and run late
26. when you know what you want to say but you can’t for the love of god find the right england to say it so you just masterbate….or just don’t end up saying it until you can get home and write it through a message because you are horrible at speaking on the spot so you masterbate anyway
27.people that say sick ink, fuck cool coverage,
28. people that compare your tattoos that you’ve gone to reputable tattoo artists but they have chicken scratch and say ‘oi brush you got ripped aye my mate has like legit tatty gun and does it for a pouch of ox and beers aye’ ….. cheap work aint good and good work aint cheap’
29. ibis cause they’re like the scum beneath your toe nails that has been spat on and eaten by a rat then shat out and stomped by a street barefoot no shoe wearing proverbial demi god then grew wings and took flight
30. going out of your way or even just being a genuine person and getting spat on shat on and just ignored/disregarded
31. when you cook an awesome feed but then start to get to hangry and then end up not enjoying it or it doesn’t turn out right/ the way you wanted it to so you masterbate to the sound of mountain goats and broken bottles
32. wanting a good night sleep but somehow somewhere there is a force and energy which just doesn’t allow it… so you masterbate till you do
33. callouses on your hands
corns on your feet (yes I’m 24 and have a mother fucking corn i also have a pretty solid heamorhiod too but its never hurt his names harry its part of me.. if you date me you date him too) but i did get a corn shaver at apddys markets and shave that bitch dowwwwwwwn
34. when your actually conversing with someone regularly but they don’t reply but they can snapchat, instagram and Facebook then cop you with a lousy bullshit excuse… if i don’t want to talk to you i will just tell you that or ill just not talk to you…. black and white for life
35. people with complete disregard for someone else
36. people with no morals or respect

so this is awkward as i do not know how the fuck to press enter to start a new paragraph with out the numbers coming up but hey this just made the list to be continued
when you can’t figure out technology and it keeps spitting numbers at you
continued….. this is just a small list of things that came off the top of my head if theres any you can think of please keep them to yourself or start your own blog you back jacking warrior but nah post them in the comments below and ill be sure to make another couple or so posts continuing my rants and first world troubles
ibis fuck ibis

#giveitallhc #ripcurl #johnsjourneys #misguided #byronbay #fuckibis

people that embrace the whole NMA thing I’ve never understood it


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s